In the solitude

Just done reading posts made by people who happened to be.....so good at explaining what I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm too an illiterate trash to just spread the words out of anything inside of me. I'm too glad knowing that there are still people who think and feel the same way as I do, and can explain those thoughts and feelings waaaaay better than me. I'm so thankful to the universe that set my fate to eventually found their pages, and sent me a virtual arm to make me feel alright. At least for now that I cried myself on my bed, been clueless questioning the why of things happened lately.

I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe I still have no right to judge, to criticize, to simply conclude  life. I don't even know whether or not I deserve to feel upon things. Maybe I'm too an immature, selfish, shy little brat crawling up the slope--gets a luck of being shown a sneak peak of something they call life. I'm feeling like all of them people have their own definition of life, while I'm here spending time reading Hergenhahn's book trying to find out mine. And yet I haven't found any up until now. I'm feeling like there's so many truths to be believed in. And you know what? It's really sad that in the end you realize that people actually have made up those truths, rewriting and rephrasing the prior truths--without even noticing that they actually change those truths, they change the essence of just everything.

Here I am, left indecisive to even believe one of them.

I'm indecisive to pick up things that suit me up the best. I just sort of found out that things have been being harder, and, holy Lord, I just found out....maybe a minute ago. I've always thought I'm fine. I've always felt like this is the coolest shit I've ever made in my life. But, God, now that I'm here, now that I recall everything....someone, I think Life, slaps me in the face. He tells me I can not put up with anything. I'm a total mess now. I made a bad start and that becomes the domino effect of all my episodic memories. Well, it can be summed up like, what happens to me right now is the effect of what I've done far in the past. This is the effect of something I thought okay for doing. I thought it was just it, but sadly, it's not. It ruins my life just now and the result is...a version of Me I'll never want to be.

I think I'm done figuring things out up until this point. I know if only I move farther on figuring out, I'd might be ended up jumping from the 3rd floor of my dorm. For now I could only hope that things will get better. Bye-bye bad day, I'm gone sleeping....

Only if you need an escape.

Little things that matter

"Selama kamu di sini, carilah kebahagiaanmu melalui hal-hal kecil. Really, it helps you survive." 

demikian kira-kira kata Ka Gabriel Charlotte. I know we're both thinking about how cool her name is. Waktu itu aku ada tugas wawancara, dan what a great fortunate to meet Ka Gaby in the Psiko's library. Sitting on the corner, not knowing why she chose such a rural place a pretty girl should not belong in. Headsets were put on her ears. To me, both the corner she chose, her decision to put on headsets, and a book on her palms showed much how introverted she was. But seconds we started talking, selengean was my first impression about her. Like, really, she was a senior three years above me which means this is her last year, or we both hoped so, and she sat in front of me in jigang position (can't find proper English for that) the whole conversation. You wouldn't possibly expect that gesture from an apparently graceful beautiful woman, wouldn't you? But, yeah, don't judge a book by its cover, right? Because in the end of the day, another fortunate sadness came to me as I knew she is currently the president of EDS in this university and at that time I was an upcoming member of that institution and she said "Lucky you to meet me first, kalau gitu nanti lo interviewnya sama gue aja.". Guys.....I know I was wrong with that what-you've-been-up-to question. Again, don't judge a book by its cover, my son.

So, back on the big quote I put on top. Those words had successfully got me captivated in some mysterious ways. Like, really, I contemplated on my way home about what things can actually make me happy...here. I could utter from one to one thousand things that make me happy there, but not here. Just not yet. Then, I thought that I started to rethink replay and recall everything since the day I got here. Things that tickled me, things that saddened me, things I sunk into, things I would love to spend time all day. And after a long time of thinking, here are those little things..

F I F T E E N   RU L E S   O F   H A P P I N E S S

1. A 10 minute morning walk to a bus stop in Fakultas Teknik (and yeah, I live near FT instead of FPsi).
2. Spending time reading on a shady bench while waiting for the bus.
   
3. Enjoying the landscape view from my bus' window.
   
4. Listening to John Mayer or Imagine Dragons along the road, be it walking or when riding a bus.
5. Having sholat in Masjid Ukuwah Islamiyah (often misspelled by Masjid UI) at peace. It has to be so literally lonely that it feels like I'm just a speck of dust between the galaxy so please see meeee...
   
6. Buying tempe mendoan in Masjid UI's cafetaria. 
7. Another time spent reading in Taman Melingkar at the Central Library. The place will mostly look like this.
   
8. Getting lost at Books and Beyond (found an exact pict. yayness!)
   
9. Sunset at the edge of the lake.
   
10. A night walk to Margonda Raya.
11. Taking a night train. (photo taken couple days ago after I was about to get struck by one of 'em haha. That 'so close' moment....phew)
    
12. Pondok Cina's parking lot. Somehow the scene fascinates me (the picture really represents my point of view). Some of you may ask why would I go to a parking lot of a train station. Well, to get to Detos (search it urself) you have to walk through the parking lot first. Yesh, walk. All hail pedestrians. Go green. Hidup mahasiswa. 
    
13. Indomie rebus. I know I shouldn't.
14. The place I live in, my lovely kosan.
15. And finally, them.
    

Well, I think that's all for now. I know that this post should be kept updated because thingssss ahead are waiting for me. I'm yet to explore all of them and will likely love some of them. I would love to abruptly put them on 16th to countless. I haven't even tried sepeda kuning yet, and somehow I believe I'll love it the first time I try haha.

You know that when you move into somewhere new, moreover somewhere you've never been in before, you'll get some kind of awkwardness. Whether it's dealing with the environment or merely with yourself. You'll get bored, you'll miss home, you'll be blue, but that's just the perks of being a wanderer. Those fears are just fogs blocking your sight of breaking the future's secrecy. Because when it comes to the reason why are you here in the first place, it gathers back all the guts and joys inside of you. It renounces again that you matter, your wars of life--they were all worth it.

So I suggest you to also find your little happiness wherever you belong right now. Whenever you feel like there's nothing to be happy about, go get yourself a little walk and see things from a differently brand new perspective. You will find that there's abundance of things to be grateful of; be it a person, a place, a thing, or just simply a thought. I believe that even in our daily routine, we find blessings, we earn something we enjoy doing everyday and not even complaining for it. Hey, I used to give up sports--physical workout thing, and for God's sake I ride motorcycles even just to buy eggs to a neighbor. Now that I walk everywhere, I'm very used to it and I've found blessing of getting healthier than I've ever been before. See? Happiness is everywhere, even on things you don't expect. So if you're not happy....you're just not yet. You will.

Kadang, kemapanan itu membosankan

Kali ini saya akan bercerita mengenai kosan saya. Satu kata untuk mendeskripsikannya: mapan. Kosan saya adalah dunia lain di hiruk pikuk Kukusan. Sangat damai, aman, nyaman, dan mapan. Makanya, setelah rutinitas kuliah dan tugas selesai, kalau kamu ngajak saya keluar untuk nugas lagi, kemungkinan besar akan saya tolak (kecuali kalau kamu ajak main HEHE). Saya bisa betah seharian ngungkung diri di kamar. Yang penting listrik nyala, kosan saya bagai surga. Sejuk, banyak makanan, dan wifi kenceng. Nikmat Tuhan mana yang kamu dustakan?

Namun, dibalik nikmat itu muncul satu masalah. Saking nyamannya para penghuni kosan, mereka jadi kebetahan ngumpet di kamar. Pintu mereka hampir selalu tertutup. Saya bahkan baru tahu bahwa ada anak Psikologi yang ngekos TEPAT DI SEBERANG KAMAR SAYA setelah SEBULAN saya ngekos di sini. Kan, tau gitu bisa berangkat barengan biar capeknya jalan nggak kerasa, ada teman main, teman makan, teman ngerjain tugas ospek (iya dulu aku suka stres sendiri kalau lagi ngerjain tugas ospek), teman nyuci (this is so important bicoz basically nyuci isn't something you would possibly want to do on weekends, godaan laundry itu segitu hebatnya), dan barangkali bisa jadi teman dekat. Itu aja kami ketemunya nggak sengaja gara-gara pas malem saya lagi masak Indomie di dapur dekat kamar dan dia, sebut saja Jojo, baru pulang dari kampus kayaknya. Dia masih pakai jaket kuning waktu itu (peraturan masa inisiasi, di Psiko specificly we call it Agoge Period) dan our eyes met and we were like...

"Lo anak psiko ga sih?!"

"Iya, lo juga, kan?!"

"Oh my god kita sering sekelas!!"

"Oh my god iya!!"

"Kamar lo mana?!" dengan nada sedikit menodong. Kemudian dia menunjukkan kamarnya dengan telunjuknya. Kemudian aku menunjukkan kamarku dengan telunjukku.

"OH MY GOD JADI SELAMA INI ..."

"Pantesan kemarin gue lihat jakun makara biru muda dijemur disini!!"

"Iya itu punya gue.... oh God oh God besok-besok berangkat barengan aja yuk!"

"Iya iya sumpah gue seneng banget akhirnya punya temen hahahah"

"Iya gue juga hahahah"

Dan...ya. begitulah kira-kira percakapan kami malam itu.

See? People barely set out from their comfort zones. Even I, who religiously preach myself to stay out from my comfort zone, eventually got caught up inside it. Kadang, mengingatnya bikin saya malu harus makan kata-kata sendiri. Ya mau gimana pun juga, harus ngaku bahwa sejatinya saya sekuper dan se-nggak kenal itu sama lingkungan tempat saya tinggal. Which actually got me thinking, sesuatu yang sempurna itu ternyata membosankan. Karena ketika sesuatu sudah sempurna, ia tidak memiliki ruang untuk diisi oleh hal lain. Dalam hal kosan ini, dengan berada di kamar rasanya sudah sangat sempurna sehingga saya tidak perlu pergi keluar untuk mencari ini-itu. Ujung-ujungnya, saya jadi sangat kesepian seperti sekarang ini. And now you know, menjadi sempurna se-membosankan itu.

Meskipun ada satu-dua yang saya kenal, namun mereka sibuk dengan urusan mereka di kamar mereka masing-masing. Kosan saya bagaikan sebuah dunia, dan pintu-pintu kamar penghuninya adalah gerbang menuju dunia-dunia lain yang lebih besar--entah bagaimana. Kadang timbul suatu keberanian untuk mengetuk pintu, sekedar untuk mengajak makan malam atau berangkat bersama. Namun, tepat didepan pintu itu niat saya menciut. "Kalau mereka nggak sibuk, pasti pintunya kebuka dong..". Jadi, seringkali niat itu saya urungkan dan I ended up being a slight loner. Kemana-mana sendirian. Dan by the way, Jojo dan Nana (teman yang berhasil dekat, sebenarnya) sekarang sudah pindah kosan. Meninggalkan saya yang semakin sendirian. Namun apa daya, itu adalah hak mereka. Mungkin mereka mencari tempat lain yang lebih tidak sempurna. Mungkin mereka ingin jadi pelengkap ketidaksempurnaan itu. Atau mungkin alasan lainnya, saya tidak tahu.

Jadi, haruskah saya berlari mencari ketidaksempurnaan juga? Bagaimana menurut kalian?

Rahasia Bulan Empat

Jadi, hai lagi, Kamu. Biasanya kita jumpa di tulisan saja, ya. Menjadi terasa aneh ketika akhirnya harus bertegur sapa. Canggung, mungkin itu kata yang tepat. Malu-malu kau palingkan wajahmu, dan aku hanya duduk disana. Menyimak, menikmati keindahan sesaat.  Meski gelap, meski gemuruh. Kemudian muncul kabar dari seorang teman lama. Waktu pun kutipu demi membacanya. Meski mahal kesempatan ini kubeli. Sedetik selanjutnya, aku tersipu sendiri mengeja kata. Adakah kau saksikan? Adakah kau rasakan?

Getar itu.

Nyata meski malu-malu.

Bagai sosok yang pergi, lalu minta dikejar.

Sesederhana itu.

Kamu adalah, bahasa kentara yang takkan kuterjemahkan. Kubiarkan menari-nari, bergejolak liar menggerayangi tubuhku. Kau ‘kan lihat resahmu sirna, sedang bahagia dan dosa tiada bedanya. Kau ‘kan temui

                Aku

di celah waktu penuh harimu,

bersamanya.

Aku pun bahagia, dengan sederhana. Sebab akulah yang pernah kau sambangi ketika dunia beranjak membosankan. Ketika berlari melelahkan, dan ketika hidup hanya menuai peluh. Dapatlah kiranya aku ini kedai kecil di tepi jalan bagi seorang perantau yang kelelahan. Dan dapatlah kiranya kita ini, adalah malam yang kau curi, yang berakhir pada percakapan singkat-singkat, juga secangkir kopi. Hangat. Hingga sanggup dirasa jantungmu.

Begitu seterusnya.

Cukup lama hingga kau sadari aku hanya semu dan sementara. 

Empat, Dua Ribu Lima Belas