In the solitude

Just done reading posts made by people who happened to be.....so good at explaining what I'm feeling right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm too an illiterate trash to just spread the words out of anything inside of me. I'm too glad knowing that there are still people who think and feel the same way as I do, and can explain those thoughts and feelings waaaaay better than me. I'm so thankful to the universe that set my fate to eventually found their pages, and sent me a virtual arm to make me feel alright. At least for now that I cried myself on my bed, been clueless questioning the why of things happened lately.

I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe I still have no right to judge, to criticize, to simply conclude  life. I don't even know whether or not I deserve to feel upon things. Maybe I'm too an immature, selfish, shy little brat crawling up the slope--gets a luck of being shown a sneak peak of something they call life. I'm feeling like all of them people have their own definition of life, while I'm here spending time reading Hergenhahn's book trying to find out mine. And yet I haven't found any up until now. I'm feeling like there's so many truths to be believed in. And you know what? It's really sad that in the end you realize that people actually have made up those truths, rewriting and rephrasing the prior truths--without even noticing that they actually change those truths, they change the essence of just everything.

Here I am, left indecisive to even believe one of them.

I'm indecisive to pick up things that suit me up the best. I just sort of found out that things have been being harder, and, holy Lord, I just found out....maybe a minute ago. I've always thought I'm fine. I've always felt like this is the coolest shit I've ever made in my life. But, God, now that I'm here, now that I recall everything....someone, I think Life, slaps me in the face. He tells me I can not put up with anything. I'm a total mess now. I made a bad start and that becomes the domino effect of all my episodic memories. Well, it can be summed up like, what happens to me right now is the effect of what I've done far in the past. This is the effect of something I thought okay for doing. I thought it was just it, but sadly, it's not. It ruins my life just now and the result is...a version of Me I'll never want to be.

I think I'm done figuring things out up until this point. I know if only I move farther on figuring out, I'd might be ended up jumping from the 3rd floor of my dorm. For now I could only hope that things will get better. Bye-bye bad day, I'm gone sleeping....