This time, we would talk about fiction. So, how many of you loves fictional stories? Tell me how interesting they are, tell me how it thrills you out imagining something impossible to happen in real life. And how many of you have tried making your own version of fiction? For those who raise your hands, well I did too, long ago. It was such fun, I know. But you'll see the fun is no longer when that fiction slowly slips through your wish and prayers and eventually comes true. The fun is no longer knowing that, now that the thing is real, it looks creepy and weird even to see it around. It is right there now, right under your nose like how a reality should be.
Awalnya sih cuma iseng. I happened to have this period of spare time and tried to think of something to be written. Aku memikirkan sesuatu yang kelihatannya sangat mustahil mengingat kemungkinan untuk terjadi dalam ruang dan waktu yang kutentukan tersebut amat sangat sedikit. Waktu itu, tempatnya bahkan fiksional sekali. Setting tempatnya di sini, dan waktu itu tempat ini masih hanyalah angan-angan belaka. Kemudian, subjeknya, adalah kamu.
Kamu yang saat itu hanya kuketahui namanya tanpa tahu asal-usulnya. Kamu yang sering bertemu denganku, always dying to talk to me, but chose to be silent. Kamu yang aku sama sekali nggak kenali. Hanya nama, dan hanya keping-keping cerita tentangmu yang kudapat entah dari teman atau akun-akun media sosialmu yang sengaja aku stalk for the sake of curiosity. And then I found you were so mysteriously interesting and you know I like mysterious people. Jadi, berbekal pengetahuanku yang demikian miskin, I started to write about you. Typed it, saved it, re-read it occasionally, and that's all. I never expect anything, not a single thing about the story to become true someday.
But then, reality hit me hard on my face. There was a time when I had to literally move my little self on and get a prosperous life. There was a time when I had to move out from that city, and going back to my hometown--means I couldn't have any chance to see you twice a week just like I used to. Means I had to leave you, for my own good. It was quite sad, actually, but I didn't take it seriously. And so I packed my stuffs and making new possibilities for myself to achieve. I even forgot about that story, that fiction, and even you. And that was just okay, I had nothing to lose.
I continued living my life cheerfully. Being ambitious, full of dreams, being a role figure of every motivational books. Fed myself with books like literally 24/7, had a boring life for months (I have to admit), and it was still okay. But, you know what? Everytime I get bored, I always look up to my notes, find that fiction, quickly reading it, and somehow it makes me re-energized. It became my source of power whenever I get down. My crazy thoughts of you, somehow, they keep me sane. Then slowly, that fiction became addictive to me. I read and read and read it all over again and get strengths in some ridiculous ways I couldn't explain. And soon, away from consciousness, you slip into my wishes. Between my cries on my night prayers, under my pillow when I was about to dream, a vague layer beneath a reason of my aim. Maybe because I got engaged to it, maybe because I spent much more time than I did reading that fiction. Maybe, I've just proven the proverb "bisa karena terbiasa" on this case. I just don't have a proper explanation about how unconsciousness can take lead of our behaviors.
Months passed by, clarity happened. I was no longer a sad girl stuck in the circle of boredom. I was happy and free, but eventually, shocked to death. Knowing that the fiction were revealed, transformed into reality, and you too. It was not just it, not only the subjects, not only the places I've set, but also the circumstances and every conversation that we have. It somehow makes me feel like it's meant to be, like we were destined to be met.
Am I a good writer or a bad writer, a good person or a bad person, for having this chance of seeing a wish being granted by Her Maker?
I got lost in words, I lost my compass on how to behave toward this granted wish because you are just so...unreal to me. You must have still been in my notes, being that person I imagined, not physically exist and engage with me in my daily basis. You got me on hard times coping with everything surrounds me. Indeed, this situation is unreal. But you, making it even harder to believe! You eventually being the reason I keep afraid that all of these are just dreams on a long-sweet-night sleep. You eventually are the one who makes me scared of being awaken someday in the future just to realize all these things never happened!
You, are a wish turning into curse really soon.
You, are better off being a fiction.
***
Now here I am, learning the hard way to be very careful when writing a fiction because this phenomenon scares me a little bit to start writing another fiction. It was fun, indeed, to write such things you like and to imagine a certain circumstance of impossibility. But you have to realize that, impossibility is somehow a negation of possibility--which means it's a part of it. You also have heard their tale of this Earth and its people, telling you everything can happen and the best to do is anticipate. My thing finally happened, and I have to work a little harder to cope and fit myself into this kind of a TOTAL weird situation where awkwardness is everywhere and I couldn't help it.
I also have learned that not every wish is worth wishing. Take a very good care of it because you'll never know whose and which prayers are going to be granted. You may not speak them through words, but God knows every single thought you have in your mind, every single name you silently write on your heart, and every single look you lay on in a blink of an eye. He's watching you all along, so be careful with everything that you do. Get yourself prepared to various surprises lying ahead because, if you are a type of person like me who's basically not fond to surprises, things like these will shake your legs.
God is that great.
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